Teens and vibrators-parenting in a modern world
A friend recently told me about her idea to buy a vibrator for her daughter. My friend thought that it was important for her daughter to have her first orgasm by herself and not feel emotionally reliant on her boyfriend supplying the good vibes. I get it. She wanted to crack the fairy-tale idea of the ‘prince kissing the princess’ and the princess falling in luuuuuurv. Possibly with a complete toad.
There are three elements I think are important: learning about masturbation, talking about masturbation and experiencing masturbation. Do parents have a role in the sexual development and education of their daughters and how? We discussed it and I wonder what you think?
My well-educated, feminist and thoughtful friend talks freely with her daughter and they have a trusting relationship sharing female knowledge on sexual and reproductive health. It sounds like a healthy and strong bond. I assume her daughter is under 18 years old because if she were old enough she could decide for herself to buy a vibrator with her own credit card. I am not sure if the daughter asked for one or whether her mother wanted her to have one. Did the daughter want her parents involved in her intimate sexual life? The incest taboo usually icks most of us out when children and parents are too closely linked in sexual ways. I assumed that her daughter was less than 16 years old and had not had partnered sex. Perhaps neither of us knew whether she already had an orgasm. I probably did not ask enough questions…not wanting to intrude.
Certainly female masturbation is invisible in most formal and informal sexual education. Female wanking is culturally absent, or visible only through an androcentric model of sexuality. It barely gets a mention in porn except in the most peripheral or extreme representations. Google tells me that only porn has a story about female wanking and one old Cosmopolitan infomercial from 2019 starts by showing me a flower (yawn), contains false information about about the G-spot (yikes) and of course, has lots of product placement to sell vibrators that look like penises.
The history of the vibrator was initially medicinal, and prescribed for ‘health’ reasons and became very popular. Vibrators are great at eliciting orgasms with little skill or effort on anyone’s part. Vibrators provide intense stimulation. Vibrators are also a bit spicy. That’s why we like ‘em. Orgasms are good for you. They smooth away frayed nerves, help period pains, induce relaxation and sleep and are generally fun. I think there are two types of orgasms – hands off and hands on – by this I mean orgasms occurring only through imagination, like when you dream about sex. But mostly direct touch is required.
There is not a lot of research to go on for the under 18s. I guess it is difficult getting through an ethics committee to ask young teenagers about their sexual experiences. It seems intuitive that parents should teach their daughters about their genitals – there are good resources – age appropriate books. Good idea to check that the book mentions the clitoris, what it does and actually shows its size and shape. If your kid can read then this would be a good place to start. Probably it is a good idea to mention that everyone masturbates and it is good for you. Parents can provide the vibe that genitals are normal and good. But should you go out and buy a vibrator and which one?
The task of adolescence is to re-discover your body, grow to like your developing and changing body and perhaps imagine how you might share it with someone in a sexual way. I am not sure that a vibrator does anything more helpful than a teenager’s own fingers. A finger orgasm as opposed to a vibrator orgasm is different. Imagine never having created your own orgasm? Imagine having to rely on a tool? Imagine never having to learn your own physical response or shape? What I am getting at here is that many women don’t know their genitals well and even dislike them. Some women don’t want to touch or see their own genitals.
Perhaps one of the benefits of solo-sex without a vibrator is that you get to learn about yourself. You don’t need to rely on anyone or anything to get off. You may learn what turns you on and then be able to tell your lovers. If your daughter is still on her orgasm L-plates, why rush to her to get a full license where she can go over 100kms/hour? Can’t she just take her time with no pressure? If she is physically capable of texting with one or both hands, then she can wank sufficiently by herself.
I am not a Luddite and really think technology is very cool. (Where are the solar powered vibrators?) But for young teens, I would say she needs the experience without the technology first. Let her pass her Ls and get confident on her Ps before you give her the key to a Porsche.
Sources for further reading
Hensel, D. J., Fortenberry, J. D., & O’Sullivan, L. F. (2011). The developmental association of sexual self-concept with sexual behavior in adolescent women. Journal of Adolescence, 34(4), 675-684. doi:10.1016/j.adolescence.2010.09.005
Kaestle, C. E., & Allen, K. R. (2011). The role of masturbation in healthy sexual development: Perceptions of young adults. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 40(5), 983-994. doi:10.1007/s10508-010-9722-0
Queen, C., & Comella, L. (2008). The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone. Cleis Press.
Tolman, D. L. (2002). Dilemmas of Desire: Teenage Girls Talk about Sexuality. Harvard University Press.